How It Goes
by Saint New
Summary: The precedings in the detectives lives. After an accident leaves them shattered, they struggle to rekindle their lives and save their relationship. EO
1. Part 1

Part 1

Olivia

The first thing I notice is the sunlight streaming through my window. My first thought is to look out the window into the sunlight. I expect to see people hurriedly walking; cars backed up for blocks, old homeless men sitting in the gutters, begging wealthy bankers for a bit of cash. I expect to see dirty mutts chasing dirty alley cats. I expect to see children jumping rope in the heat of the summer morning. I expect to see irate cops, patrolling the streets, chasing down the young thugs, just for kicks. I expect to see the sunlight bounce brilliantly off the skyscrapers. I expect see the owners of the bodegas arguing with the customers. I expect to see the tourists, with their ridiculous outfits and clueless expressions, snapping Polaroid's as if they were cruising through a South African safari and not New York City.

Instead, I open my eyes to the sickly green that is the ceiling of this horrid place. I see the pale blue that are the walls and hideous purple curtain that hide my face from my roommate. It's the same every morning. I awaken, but before I can open my eyes, I let myself imagine walking through the streets of my beloved city. Every morning, I actually open my eyes and see the scene I've just described. Momentarily, there will be a nurse entering the room. She'll look down at me as if she's trying to be sorry, but she'll be to busy plotting how to get my doctor's phone number. She'll check my vitals, cuss out my roommate, sit and have the cigarette she's suppose to smoke outside. Sometimes, she'll take a ten minutes nap. She'll then ask me how I feel. She knows I can't answer with the tube going down my throat, but she'll pretend that she heard me say "Fine, thanks!" even though I always mentally curse her. She grins and tells me "good" and walks out. After that my roommate sits and bitches about nothing and everything. It's extremely tiring to listen to. My doctor won't come in for another hour and a half, so I'm stuck listening to her.

Everyone kind of gets quiet around my doctor. He looks a bit like George Clooney. I guess they like him or something. Personally, I can't stand the bastard. He is so full of himself. He's got an ego bigger than his paycheck and he's very proud. I heard that's he's killed several patients, letting his pride get the best of him. I absolutely believe that and have been trying to get a different doctor, but like I said, I can't talk. I tried writing notes, but my right arm is paralyzed and my left hand shakes so badly that my penmanship in totally indecipherable. Plus, I think the nurse tosses the notes out. She's stuck with me and, if I were to get a different doctor, she wouldn't get to see him everyday. I don't get it; he's not much to look at. I mean, sure he does roughly resemble Clooney, but he not too much.

By the time my roommate gets to complaining about her fifth ex-husband, my doctor comes in. Dr. Feelgood. That's not his real name, obviously, but that's what he makes everyone call him. Yeah, I don't get that either. What he does to me doesn't feel good at all. He's very rough. He checks my vitals...twice. Then he'll grab my hands and start what I presume is supposed to be a massage. He then moves up to my wrists to my arms to my shoulders...by the time he gets to my ribcage, I'm completely numb and occasionally have lost consciousness. I know, why don't have physical therapist. I wonder the same thing every day, but since I can't communicate with anyone, I don't get answers. I'm never sure how long he says, and I only vaguely aware that he's existing the room. I guess I should mention that he gives me some kind of medication that leaves me out of it.

After what I assume is several hours, I wake up to the sound of my roommate's visitors. I hate Veronica, but I loathe her kids. She's got five children and the four younger ones are demons. Most days I wish my arms worked so that I could lean over smack them. The youngest is Ronnie. He's five and he's a whiner. The whole time he's there, he's complaining about something. Just like his mother. Then there's Jessica. She's seven and I think that she might be Dr. Feelgood's long lost child. She acts just like him. There are twins, Jacob and John. Biblical names for demonic brats. They're ten and discovered soccer. Now they take every possible opportunity to practice their kicking and head butting. I heard that they put one of the nurses in a leg brace-for four months. They are forever harassing somebody and it's only months now before they get hit the wrong person and get sent away to "Juvi Hall" as they so affectionately call it. Her oldest is Melissa. She's a real sweetheart. She doesn't come too often, but when she does, she'll come and sit by me and talk to me as if she really cares. As if she could hear me responding. She says that she's getting ready to go away to Harvard to study medicine and criminology. Can you say ambitious? She loves entertaining me with her stories of her latest advanced calculus test, which, of course she got an A on. Maybe she does this because no one else will listen to her. Whatever her motive, it's become the highlight of my day...on the days she comes.

Damn, here comes that nurse. What is her name? I can never remember. Today, I think she might have gotten dressed in the dark and she is wearing ode du toilet water...toilet water that's been used. She's got on an excessive amount of makeup on and...Oh, my, is...is that a hicky I see on her neck? Oh ho, what will her incarcerated husband think when he gets out this afternoon? I wanna be there to see _those _fireworks, since nothing else is happening around here. She comes in, winking and blowing kisses to Dr. Feelgood. She looks over at Veronica and sighs. She hates her as much as I do. She looks down at me and jumps back. What? Is there a bug on me?

"Dr. Feelgood!" she calls out. He walks in adjusting his...pants. She starts whispering to him and he looks over at me.

"Interesting..." he says. What? What's interesting? "Well, Ms...Uh, Detective Benson, you're finally awake. It's been a long six months..." SIX MONTHS?!

TBC

next: the phone call


	2. The phone call

The Phone Call

Elliot

_Ring! Ring!_

Argh! Why is it every time I get to sleep, the phone rings? It had better not be anyone but a bill collector I can hang up on. Especially not work; I just got home. Maybe if I roll over, the phone will stop ringing.

Hmm, the phone did stop. But now my cell's going off. Now I know it is work. I sit up and grab the phone out of my discarded slacks. Sure enough Cragen's number flashes across the display. I get up and start dressing as I answer the phone.

"Stabler."

"Elliot, where are you?"

"Home..."

"Kelly said she just tried your house phone. She said you didn't answer."

"..."

"Elliot?"

"Yeah, sorry Cap, I didn't get to the phone in time..."

"Okay. We've got another body. West 126th street..."

"That's all the way in Harlem..."

"...and Munch and Fin are already in Jersey checking on another lead..."

"...okay. I'll be there in 45 minutes."

I don't mind getting up and driving out to Harlem at two in the morning. I really don't. But what I do mind is my new partner. Kelly McKenzie. She's a rookie; she's 35, and a bit simple. And she's forever trying to get me to take her to bed. If Huang were here, he'd ask me why I thought I really hated Kelly. If he were here. But a couple of months ago, he moved out of the states back to his hometown. His smirk got on a perp's nerves and the guy attacked him. Left the whole right side of Huang's body paralyzed. I know, it's terrible, isn't it? I was starting to like him too. Well, the perp was sent to Rikers with additional charges of assault on a FBI agent. The Chinese mafia there beat the crap out of him. Fin says it serves him right.

Kelly is likeable enough. I guess. Something about her just turns me off, though. She's good at her job. She good at thinking outside the box and can take an objective view at a situation. She's not to compassionate about kids, but she doesn't hate them, so I guess that's okay. She just not...well, she's just not what I'm used to.

* * *

Elliot

"Elliot, you're awfully quiet..." It's seven o'clock later that morning and I pay no attention to Kelly as she comes and sits on my side of the booth. That's another thing. The crime scene we'd just gone over was one of the more gruesome ones I had seen, but it didn't seem to shake Kelly. She is still plotting on how the best way to seduce me is.

"...You're tense, too..." she says, pulling on my tie. Don't ask why I was sleeping in my work shirt, tie, and boxers.

"Eli!" Kelly pouts. She sticks her bottom lip out and scoots closer to me. She starts whispering 'sweet' nothings into my ear. It all sounds nonsensical to me. I am no way excited. Hell, if anything, she's starting to annoy me. She must be going for some kind of record. It usually takes her three hours to get on my nerves. It's only been one and a half. I try to scoot away from her, but climbs onto my lap. I too busy trying not to slap her to notice the other patrons in the diner giving us curious-and encouraging-looks. I ball my fists, hoping she'll take the hint. Instead, she exclaims, "Oh, Eli! You wanna play dirty?!" That's when I turn red-part from anger, the rest from sheer embarrassment. Some of the drunks at the bar start cheering.

Frustrated, I push her off of me. I threatened more than once to report her unwarranted affection. She always giggles and tells me she's got our captain wrapped around her finger. Saddest part is it's true. I think she's his niece or something. I don't know. John wanted to be partnered with her when she first transferred, but Fin said he couldn't handle my temper. She didn't want John's paranoid ass, anyway, and Fin wouldn't let anyone else have John. "Just broke him in," he said. I laughed, but now I wish I had protested. Fin hates her as much as I do and says there's no way in hell he's coughing over his partner now.

I get up and walk toward the bathroom. Don't you know she is right on my heels? I tell her I can handle going to the bathroom by myself. She says "riiiight..." and winks at me. I wait until she goes back to the booth before making a detour through the kitchen and out the back exit. Sometimes I just wanna...

_Ring! Ring!_

Hell, no. This had better not be her calling from the men's room. It's not, it's some unknown number. A collect call. Normally, I'd let the phone ring and have the person listen to me growling into the phone about my profession. Most find it's the wrong number. But for some reason, I answer this time.

"Stabler."

"Will you accept a collect call from the 718 area code?" 718? That's in Brooklyn.

"Sure."

"..." All I hear is breathing.

"Hello?" There is some kind of mumbling. "This is Detective Stabler. Can you speak up?"

"...El...Elliot?" Oh my God. I am frozen in place. Stunned. Floored. It can't possibly be.

"Yes...?" I pray to God that this isn't some sick prank. I pray that, after six long months, this is the real deal.

"El..." the voice starts to crack. I can feel tears rolling down my own face. "...it's me, Elliot."

"Olivia."

TBC

next: the reunion


	3. The reunion

The Reunion

Elliot

I can't keep my legs from giving out, and I slide to the floor. I must be dreaming. There is no way in hell that I am sitting here, puddled in a heap outside the back of this greasy ass diner, my cell to my ear, with her sweet voice pour out of it. No way in hell. I'm sobbing now and can't control my emotions. I really don't want John or Fin to come see me like this, but then I remember I'm not at O'Malley's. I'm at the diner, it's eight in the morning, and I'm out here because I'm trying to escape from my that...oh, I guess she's my partner. I hear a sharp intake of air and suddenly remember that she's still there.

"Olivia? It's really you?" I hear something that sounds like a chuckle.

"No...It's Don King..." I'm surprised. She sounds like her old self. I grin so hard I know she can feel it through the phone. Just as I'm thinking it, she says just that. Even after all this time, we haven't lost it.

"So...ah, how ya doin'?" I ask, not sure what else to say. I feel stupid as soon as it leaves my mouth. How the hell do you think she's doing? She just woke out of a six month coma, for crissakes!

"Mom, there some of that famous Stabler inarticulate monologue," she jokes, laughing at me. I don't mind a bit. She's can laugh at me until she's blue in the face. "I'm talking to ya, aren't I? I must fine, right?" Fine? Her voice sounds sultry as ever... Sultry?! Get ahold of yourself, Elliot! The poor woman just woke up. I know she's scared as hell. That's the only time she uses such light sarcasm. Normally, she'd blurt out whatever happened to cross her mind and if it came across as insulting, she'd say suck it up. That Olivia for ya.

"Yeah...yeah, I...ah...I guess so..." God, I feel like a teenage geek. A geeky, pimply, uncoordinated teenage boy being talked to by the most popular girl in school. Trite? Perhaps, but I cannot think of another way to describe it. I'm surprised to find that I've walked all the way around the building and am now leaning against the sedan. The sedan with the dent in the passenger door. Olivia had gotten mad one day (not so unusual) and threw something at me. I can't remember what it was, but I do know I dodged it and it flew head on into the car. When we returned it that evening, she said that it was like that when we got it. They didn't believe her, but they were too scared to say anything.

"El...I...I got to get out of here." She sounds like she's begging and the volume of her voice has dropped. "I'm gonna go crazy and I can't take it. Can you please come get me?" She didn't have to ask me twice. It's not until I've hopped in the car, turned the ignition, and begun to drive off that I remember about Kelly. Damn...I'll probably have to take her with me. I turn the car off and start toward the diner. I'm not really paying attention to where I'm going for Olivia has started telling me about her doctors and her roommate. I'm completely fascinated and don't notice Kelly until I walk right into her.

"Eli!" she exclaims, throwing her arms around me. "There you are! I was wondering where you went. Come on, let get back to the..." She quiets as she finally notices I'm on the phone. Olivia has also stopped talking. Everything is quiet for a moment.

"Who is that?" Olivia asks, breaking the silence. For some reason, I now feel like I'm in the middle of a love triangle. I don't love Kelly, but I feel like I'm somehow betraying Olivia by being partners with Kelly. Granted, I didn't ask for a new partner, but I can't help the way I feel.

"...um...it's...ah..." I don't know why I'm stuttering. I guess I think she'll think that I've given up on her. I guess she thinks the same thing, because she hangs up. I'm crushed, I won't deny it. That really hurt.

"Who was that, Eli?" Kelly asks, gazing into my eyes. I want so bad to look up and stare back into chocolate brown eyes, framed by a worried bronze face. I want so bad to look up and see Olivia standing there. But when I do look up, I see into green eyes, framed by a pale face.

"Nobody..." I mumble and get into the car. I'm starting to feel resentment toward Kelly. How dare she destroy my moment with Olivia? I start up the car and peel out of the parking lot. I drive without really seeing. I can't because all I can see is red and I'm trying my damnest not to reach over slap Kelly. It really isn't her fault. I glance at her to see her look slightly alarmed.

"Eli...you missed the turn."

"No, I didn't."

"...Where are we going?"

"Brooklyn."

* * *

Elliot

I'm surprised I remember where it is. Actually, no, I'm not. I used to drive past here once a week, every week, for three months, deciding if I was going to go in. I never did...

I never went in. I never went to see her. In those six months, I never went to see her. Oh, God, she's gonna hate me. Maybe she doesn't want to see me. Well, she did ask me to save her from this hellhole, didn't she? But she did hang up...I don't know how I'll handle being rejected by her. She'll know, and she'll never want to see me again. What the hell kind of partner am I? What kind of friend am I? She'll be so mad, I just know it. I turn around and head back to the car. Kelly catches up with me just as I open the door and slams it closed.

"Elliot, you dragged me all the way out here. I know we're not here to marvel at the building. Let go do whatever we're here for. You can't back out now." I stare at her in shock. What happened to her annoying honey sweet voice? She blushes and clears her throat. "Come on, Eli. Let's go see her." I wonder how she knows about Olivia. I never told her. Cragen never told her. Fin rarely speaks to her and she doesn't speak to Munch. It wasn't on the news...maybe just shop talk at the bar. I'm surprised I let her take my hand and lead me into the building.

* * *

Olivia

Dammit, she hung up on him. I swear to God, if my limbs weren't so tired, I'd climb out of this bed and smack that bitch. She just grinned and said she had to call her kids. Fuck her kids, the man I was talking to is worth so much more than all her brats combined. I don't say a thing. Not that I can, I used all my energy talking to Elliot. Plus, my adrenaline has subdued, so I can't curse her out. Damn...this is the last thing I'm thinking before I slip into a blanket of black cold...

"Right this way, detectives..." That's my nurse I hear...detectives?

"Room 666..." That voice sounds vaguely familiar, I just can't place it.

"You superstitious?" I roll my eyes. I really hate my nurse.

"No."

"I have to warn you, she'll look a lot different. She's lost about 75 pounds and is deathly pale..." Hell yeah, that's definitely my nurse. She knows I till look sexy. I mentally crack up at the though of me trying to seduce someone in this too small hospital gown.

"Look here, cut the chit-chat and let get on with it." I like the sound of this vaguely familiar voice. "Besides, he hasn't been..." I hear a smack and the voice stops. I can feel people standing over me. I don't even have to open my eyes to know that my nurse is staring at me, with her face twisted in disgust.

"Do you mind?" the other voice asks. I hear the nurse mumble and stalk away. I smile to myself. Myself is the only person I can smile to; my body is not listening to me and I can't even open my eyes. What if he comes and I don't see him? What if...waitaminute. He's here already. I can smell him! Oh my fucking...he's standing over me. Oh how I wish my eyes would obey me and open. I wanna open them and stare into his. I wanna get drown in the deep blue of them.

"Eli...you haven't said a word since we left the diner." I know where that voice is from now!

"...Liv?" I melt. I absolutely fall apart. How long have I waited to hear that beautiful voice? "Come on, Liv...open your eyes." his voice is cracked and suddenly I feel a tear strike my face. Is...Is he crying? Oh My God...I will my eyes to open now. They got to. I can't let this sight pass and I not get to witness it. Open, you stubborn bastards! Suddenly, they flutter open. It takes a minute to register, but I'm crying too. Hard. Sobbing is closer to it. Come on, Olivia, say something.

"Hey..." I croak out.

TBC

next: interruption

A/N: I know I didn't update as I promised. I'll try harder to crank out chapters. I was half tempted to abandon the story (damn writer's block), but then my fingers started moving and Voila! the next chapter. Anyway, thank you to all the reviewers, and if you notice a bunch of grammatical errors...well, keep it to yourself because it's late and my eyes are starting to cross.


	4. Interupption

Interruption

Don

I could cry. I really could. Some days, everything just sort of sails past and the pain is quick. Some days, it sinks in and hurts for a while. Some days...some days, it takes a few days, and the pain clings on to you like a baby clings to his mother. There are never days when it doesn't hurt. It's never easy to take. It's just that, some days, I guess we expect it, in a manner of speaking. As impossible as it sounds, it seems that sometimes, we're more prepared for it. If there were such things as good days, those would them. Well, today sure as hell isn't one of these days. Today is one of _those _days. The days were everything goes wrong. The days when it hits hardest and hurts most. Days when, on top of all this, you're let down by normally dependable people.

They said I should watch out. Pay attention to the signs. Truth is I have been watching the signs. I've been watching longer than they even realized something was happening. Certainly longer than he has, for he still hasn't notice anything's changed. Or at least, not that much. They've been threatening to take extreme action. I've warned him. Does he listen? Nope. Never does he heed my caution. He insists that he hasn't been slipping up. He tells me I'm lying when I accuse him of being consistently late. He won't hear of it when I tell him that he's running a risky game and is quickly losing. He won't believe that he's on thin ice and the ice is made up of his badge and his life. He just doesn't believe.

Where the hell is he, anyway? He's three hours late and, even for him, that's unusual. I see that his partner isn't here either. Probably kidnapped her or something. That's not right. Last time both he and a partner were this late, they were sleeping together and it was him and...OH MY GOD! No, calm down, calm down. He's not gonna do that. I know he won't. I swear to God that if he does, I strangle him with my bare hands. I'll...

"Captain?" a voice interrupts my mental rant. I look up to see Fin.

"Yeah?" His look is unreadable, as usual. Fin surprises me sometimes. He'll keep a straight face through the toughest of situations, but let a kid get involved and he turns into something completely different.

"Perp's lawyer is here to see you. Says she doesn't like the way we handled this and her client's suing for assault and harassment." We both know who the "we" is that she doesn't like. But like I said, he's late, again. To tell the truth, I was half-expecting this. I sigh and feel a headache coming on.

"...Okay. Send them in..."

"I told him to stop beating up the perps..."

"I know, we all have Fin."

"Where is he, anyway?"

"...Your guess is as good as mine..." Fin sort of smiles. He looks more worried than anything. I'm surprised, but then again, Fin is a bit unpredictable. He slowly walks toward the door, as if he's trying to delay the hell I've got coming. He turns back to me just as his hand touches the doorknob.

"You know, the guy had it coming," he simply states. I smile and nod.

"I know," I answer. He turns and walks out of my office.

* * *

Don 

Well, I was right. His lawyer is absolutely fired up. I assume she is screaming about her client's injuries following Elliot's "interrogation." She is demanding his badge number and is threatening not only to sue him, but me for hiring him (even though I didn't, I inherited him when I took over SVU) and the state for "allowing such an animal to carry around a gun and a badge to justify his brutality." I only hear every other word because I'm not really listening to her. I'm thinking about how long it will before Elliot either shows or calls in sick. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he's taking the day off to spend time with his kids. I hope so. They miss him, but he's been so caught up in himself, he doesn't have time for anyone. I'll bet that...

"Captain Cragen!" Ms. Reynolds sharp tone shatters my thoughts. "Are you listening to me?" I'm trying not to. Jesus, she sounds more like his mother than anything. I don't dare let these words pass my lips; I only think this, and I look up, I see my detectives snickering to themselves. Well, of course they can hear her, she speaking very loudly and my door isn't closed. Just then Casey walks into the squad room. Whew, talk about a life saver. John and Fin quickly fill her in. She rolls her eyes as she strides toward my office.

"Ms. Novak, to what do we owe this displeasure?" Reynolds sneers.

"Careful, Julia, your fangs are showing," Casey replies, smirking. Reynolds rolls her eyes and recants her rant about how her client was mistreated. Casey puts on a feigned look of interest.

"That's a very sad story, Julia." Casey still hasn't wiped the smirk off of her face. Reynolds is turning redder for every second Casey's expression remains unchanged. I can tell Casey is just getting started, especially after she rolls up her sleeves. Reynolds is beet red now, her client is sighing and squirming uncomfortably, and my detectives are still laughing.

"You're right, it is a sad story. Wait until the papers hear it!"

"Your client made a rather lewd remark about the detective partner..."

"So? He's got a right to say what he wants. It's called the first amendment..."

"Well, this partner has been in the hospital for the last six months in a comatose state. You can understand that the detective is a bit worried."

"That doesn't give him the right to harass my client!"

"From what I also recall, Detective Stabler struck out in self defense..."

"Self-defense?! Are you kidding me?! My handcuffed client, already traumatized from the harsh demeanor of Detective Stabler's personality, let's not forget he didn't know what he was in the police station for- the police violently snatched him off the street and plopped him in the interrogation room. They didn't tell him what he was under arrest for nor did they acquiesce when he begged for his lawyer. Now you're telling me that one of your armed detectives was fighting him in self-defense?!"

"...Yeah."

Suddenly the phone began to ring, interrupting their argument. A good thing too because Casey looked like she was gearing up for a round of WWF Smack down.

"Cragen," I answer.

"Captain!" a cracked voice answers. My eyes go wide and all conversation ceases as everyone notices.

"Elliot?" Everyone relaxes a bit.

"She's awake, Don! She's awake!"

TBC

next: confession


	5. Confession

Confession

"How are you today, _Miss _Benson?" My nurse's voice is so syrupy sweet, I almost choke on it. She knows damn well that I prefer her to call me Detective. Does she? Nope. She loves to get under my skin. She's real good at it too. I can't stand her simple ass. I especially can't stand it when she and my doctor are together. God, they make a disgusting couple. Not like me and Elliot. Now don't get it wrong, we never hooked up or anything, but being partners at work is a different type of relationship.

Elliot. I miss him...a lot. He hasn't visited me in two weeks...since I woke up. I don't know how often he visited me while I was asleep, but he was there when I woke up...okay, he was there when I woke up and called him. He brought a simpleton with him. That's not nice. She seemed nice enough and she did chase off my nurse. I guess I kind of do like her, even if she took my partner. That's okay, she better take advantage of him while I strapped down to this bed. Cause as soon as I can get legs to take me somewhere, I'm walking my ass out of this hell pit and going back to work. Captain won't like that.

Don...I still have heard nor seen him. I suppose he's in shock. In the few words that Elliot spoke when he was here, he said that the doctors said I'd never wake up: the damage was so extensive. Well, I showed them! Unconfident bastards. I hate them.

Wait, I hear footsteps...maybe it's Elliot! Maybe he's come to save me! I attempt to crane neck to see who it is, but I only succeed in drooling all over myself. That's weird; I could move my neck last week. I was practically sitting up last week. As the figure comes closer, I see it's not Elliot. It's Fin. At least it's a familiar face.

"Hi, Liv," Fin says. He looks really sad and sounds so sorry. It's not his fault I'm in here.

"Hey, Fin." I don't mean to, but this comes out as sad as he sounded.

"How ya feelin'?" Fin still doesn't look at me...like he's scared or something.

"Alright...I've completely gotten the feeling back in my limbs and I'm walking now..." I reply.

"That's good...very impressive..." His eyes still avoid me.

"Yeah, that's what the doctors said..." He kind of smiles and gives me a small chuckle. "Fin..."

"Olivia, I'm sorry," Fin blurts out. I'm taken aback. It's not his fault.

"It's not your fault."

"Yeah, it is."

"No, it's not."

"You didn't want to go...I insisted..."

"You all insisted. I would've gone anyway, Fin. You couldn't have known what would happen..."

"You know, I came here almost everyday, praying that you'd wake up..."

"...well, someone upstairs must like you..." He doesn't laugh at my joke.

"Yeah."

"And now?"

"Now...Now, I realize that it never occurred to me that you wouldn't, or shouldn't, forgive me..."

* * *

"Good job in court today, Casey," John said, patting me on the back. I was in the SVU squad room, delivering the latest court news. I had gotten a conviction on a child molester that my detectives had been chasing for weeks. It was tiresome and my case had been falling apart. In the end, however, the perp's cousin stepped forward to testify against him. It was this that convinced the jury that the perp was guilty.

"Where are you going?" I ask as everyone put on their coats.

"I'm going home," Cragen answered, walking out the door.

"We're going to...Malone's?" Munch asks Fin. Fin, in turn, rolls his eyes and motions for John to follow him.

"What about you guys?" I ask Elliot and Kelly. Elliot doesn't answer me. He hasn't answered me in a long time. He refuses to talk anything but shop. It's wearing my patience ice thin and one day, I'm gonna break.

"Yeah, what are we doing, Elli?" Kelly asks, clinging on to his arm. I can see he's fighting the urge to push her away. I laugh to myself. Serves his stubborn ass right.

"I don't know, Kelly..." I'll bet he thinks that he didn't answer me. Hell, he hasn't even looked at me since I walked into the room. I'm fed up with this and I'm getting ready to say something when he suddenly speaks.

"Maybe...maybe we should go see Olivia..." There's something else I haven't seen in awhile. Usually, he'll refer to Olivia as 'she' or 'her' or sometimes even 'you know who...' He still said her name as if he was committing the greatest of sins, but it is definitely a step forward.

"That's a great idea, Elli!" Kelly exclaims. Kelly always exclaims. I don't think she knows how to speak any other way. "You wanna come, Case?" I don't mean to, but I feel myself bristle at the favored nickname coming out of her mouth. I push past the discomfort only to see Elliot watching me out of the corner of his eye. Like he's waiting for me to ask him if it's okay that I tag along. Yeah, right.

"I'd love to, Kelly. Thank you for inviting me," I answer, pushing past Elliot before I can see his reaction. God, I am so tired of his routine. I understand that he misses his best friend and I understand that he was scared that she'd never come back. I know that even after she woke up, he remains fragile. He's as broken as she is.

"You know what? I forgot today was my...my sister's birthday. We're going to a show on Broadway. Pffft, completely slipped my mind," Kelly announces suddenly. I don't fall for it. She looks at me and winks as she walks away. Elliot looks as if he's going to protest. "Go on, Elli. I'm sure Casey wants to see Olivia. I'll go along next time." I don't know if she knows it or not, but I see her mouth the words "talk to her" and shoot Elliot a dirty look before she turns around and gets into her car. As much as I want to, I just can't hate Kelly.

* * *

"Come on, Elliot! You dragged me all the way out here, and now you're not going in?!" I swear to God, I could strangle right here in this parking lot. He made drove two hours to get here, a complete mute as I carried on a one sided conversation with myself, and now he's trying to back out. What the hell?

"You're not getting out of this. We're going in!" I attempt to pull on his arm, but he only pulls away from me. "What's going on, Elliot? Why don't you want to go in?" He mumbles something, not really answering me. I'm on fire now. I just spent the last two weeks trying to save his ass from termination and this is the thanks I get? Before I can stop it, my hand is flying toward his exposed cheek. I don't even realize what I've done until my heart rate slows down and I see him staring at me in shock and hurt. I start to apologize, but then think better of it.

"What are you gonna do, huh? You mad? Gonna hit me back?" What surprises me most is that of all the emotions that are flashing in his eyes, anger isn't one of them. Right now, he looks more sad and sorry than anything. The little voice in the back of my head is telling me that he's hurting and needs a shoulder to cry on. It's pleading with me to just talk to him. However, just like I didn't listen to it when it told me not to drink so many shots and go home with that girl that one night in college, I don't listen to it now and start yelling.

"What is wrong with you?! Do you think you're the only one hurting? Think you're the only one feeling guilty? Wake up and smell reality, Stabler! Everyone is upset that this happened and everyone is happy that she woke up. Why are you? If anything, everyone should be jealous of you. Don't you know that the first thing she did when she woke up was ask for you? Nobody but you, Elliot. Don't you get it? Can't you see? Why the hell are you being stubborn instead of being there for her?" It is then that I notice that I'm pounding his chest with balled fists. It is then that I realize hot, anger tears are racing down my face.

I already know why I'm crying. I don't need to ask anybody. I'm crying out of frustration. I'm crying because I don't know what the hell is going on with my friend and there's nothing I can do to help. I'm not used to playing that role. I'm crying because my other friend has shut me out and won't let me in. I know I can help, but when he doesn't let me, I feel weak and helpless. I'm crying because I'm scared and I'm crying because I feel guilty. I'm crying because I haven't cried in so long and letting my anger get the best of me sent me over the edge.

Suddenly, he grabs me wrists and pulls me into him. His body, too, is shaking as he sobs. Thoughts of teasing him about this being too girly for him create a blip on the radar of my mind and are gone as he starts mumbling. Deciding that he needs this release, I stand quietly, hoping as he quiets down, I'll be able to decipher the words-if that's what you want to call them-he's blubbering.

TBC

next: Ups and downs


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